. I COULD SEE IN ALAN'S EYES THE MOMENT HE TURNED AROUND THAT HE HADN'T SUSPECTED I'D BE IN TOWN . BUT I COULDN'T SEE MUCH ELSE THERE . one of my persistent vulnerabilities in our relationship was my inability to read alan's gaze . one of his persistent advantagees in our relationship wa having a gaze that was difficult for me to read .
" merideth , " he said , then -after he'd expelled all that air from his lungs - "i'm so sorry ."
that i'm here ? that our friend is dead ? that you didn't call to tell me what happened ?
my narcissism no longer ambushed me . my troubles seeing beyond my immediate reach had been the source of some significant friction for alan and me .
i should , of corse , have seen the marital storm clouds forming . during the early flare of our mutual passion alan had chosen the first two letters of my name -it's " merideth ," not the conventional M-E-E-R-D-I-T-H A - AS HIS ENDEARMENT FOR ME .
i would come home from work . he'd say , " hi , me ."
i'd say , ' hey , you ."
i had naively considered the banter to be clever romantic patois . i didn't realized until long after our separation that the sobriquet served as scarlet letters of my self-involvement , ones that i'd helped hang around my own neck .
in the last few years i ad begun to come to terms with who i am , learning to treat my self-centered predisposition like an aggravating trait in a friend i otherwise adored . i no longer berated myself for my propensity toward self-involvement .
in other circumstances -other than me intruding on him during our friend's funeral - imAGINED ALAN WOULD BE GENUINELY PLEASED THAT MY PERIPHERAL VISION HAD IMPROVED . HE COULD BE MAGNANIMOUS , BUT TO A FAULT . ANOTHER COMPLICATED ISSUE for us when we were married .
" merideth , " he said , then -after he'd expelled all that air from his lungs - "i'm so sorry ."
that i'm here ? that our friend is dead ? that you didn't call to tell me what happened ?
my narcissism no longer ambushed me . my troubles seeing beyond my immediate reach had been the source of some significant friction for alan and me .
i should , of corse , have seen the marital storm clouds forming . during the early flare of our mutual passion alan had chosen the first two letters of my name -it's " merideth ," not the conventional M-E-E-R-D-I-T-H A - AS HIS ENDEARMENT FOR ME .
i would come home from work . he'd say , " hi , me ."
i'd say , ' hey , you ."
i had naively considered the banter to be clever romantic patois . i didn't realized until long after our separation that the sobriquet served as scarlet letters of my self-involvement , ones that i'd helped hang around my own neck .
in the last few years i ad begun to come to terms with who i am , learning to treat my self-centered predisposition like an aggravating trait in a friend i otherwise adored . i no longer berated myself for my propensity toward self-involvement .
in other circumstances -other than me intruding on him during our friend's funeral - imAGINED ALAN WOULD BE GENUINELY PLEASED THAT MY PERIPHERAL VISION HAD IMPROVED . HE COULD BE MAGNANIMOUS , BUT TO A FAULT . ANOTHER COMPLICATED ISSUE for us when we were married .
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