by the time my comprehension had endured for the duration of two eye blinks . i tried to shake it away with a silent , plaintive , no . i tried to pretend that i understood nothing .
it was too late . i didi ujnderstand . i attempted to take a deep breath . i couldn't . my lungs had shrunkl to the size of wanuts . i coughhed , then choked down vomit . i almost gagged as i swallowed it back into plce .
i said , " sofie is the daughter tht lauren gave up for adoption .... when she was in college ? she was been ttrying to arrange to meet her .
" none of what i said was news to joost holken . " that is correct ," he said ." sofie is grace 's grce 's sister - her half sister ."
his delivery was unremsarkable / he could hae been reciting thwe hiversum - aamsterdam train schedule . his matter of fact tone made it clear to me that joost didn't have a bike in this peloton .
what did his neutrality mean for me ? i wasn't sure .
i steeled myself to ask the powerball question , the one that could change our futures . mine and joost's . lauren 's and grace 's . maybe sofie's .
i said ," and you are ....sofie's birth father ?"
"i am , " said joost hoklen .
with surprising equanimity , i reviewd tjhe facts in my head : my wife's long go . year abroad college lover is on the phone telling me all these years later that my wife is paralyzed in hilversum in the netherlands . that same man is my daughter's half sister's father .
the particulars , i recognized , were not good news for me on so many levels .
"mr holken ?: i said ." y oulive in hilversum ?"
he hesitated . not for long - it was hardly a paused at all - but i noted the dlay , perhaps because of how badly i fearrrrrrrrrrrrrd it . holken had been expecting me to connect some dots - and my question about where he lived provided all the evidence he needed that i had accomplished some important dot -connecting . his hesitation before he answered informed me that he hadn't looked forward to witnessing the advent of my awareness .
i appreciated that the anticipain of my anguish made hi8m uncomfortable . i lkie that about him .
he efinallly said ," i d o . i produce television here . news ."
the irony , fi nally .
i could feel cell walls imploding in my soul .
it was too late . i didi ujnderstand . i attempted to take a deep breath . i couldn't . my lungs had shrunkl to the size of wanuts . i coughhed , then choked down vomit . i almost gagged as i swallowed it back into plce .
i said , " sofie is the daughter tht lauren gave up for adoption .... when she was in college ? she was been ttrying to arrange to meet her .
" none of what i said was news to joost holken . " that is correct ," he said ." sofie is grace 's grce 's sister - her half sister ."
his delivery was unremsarkable / he could hae been reciting thwe hiversum - aamsterdam train schedule . his matter of fact tone made it clear to me that joost didn't have a bike in this peloton .
what did his neutrality mean for me ? i wasn't sure .
i steeled myself to ask the powerball question , the one that could change our futures . mine and joost's . lauren 's and grace 's . maybe sofie's .
i said ," and you are ....sofie's birth father ?"
"i am , " said joost hoklen .
with surprising equanimity , i reviewd tjhe facts in my head : my wife's long go . year abroad college lover is on the phone telling me all these years later that my wife is paralyzed in hilversum in the netherlands . that same man is my daughter's half sister's father .
the particulars , i recognized , were not good news for me on so many levels .
"mr holken ?: i said ." y oulive in hilversum ?"
he hesitated . not for long - it was hardly a paused at all - but i noted the dlay , perhaps because of how badly i fearrrrrrrrrrrrrd it . holken had been expecting me to connect some dots - and my question about where he lived provided all the evidence he needed that i had accomplished some important dot -connecting . his hesitation before he answered informed me that he hadn't looked forward to witnessing the advent of my awareness .
i appreciated that the anticipain of my anguish made hi8m uncomfortable . i lkie that about him .
he efinallly said ," i d o . i produce television here . news ."
the irony , fi nally .
i could feel cell walls imploding in my soul .
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