. alan didn't need to know i'd come once for every finger on my left hand , save my thumb . aln didn't need to know that i'd loved eric more , and better , that night than i'd ever , ever loved during our marriage .
alan didn't need to know any of it , but still , i wanted to tell him . to make him jealous ? . no . but to lwet him see that i'd grown enough as a woman so that a good man could love me . i needed alan to knjow that about me . i needed him to see that the scarlet letters M-e no longer had a place around my neck .
i felt worthy that night with eric . eric had wanted me know that despite the fact that i knew i was incapable of the most natural of womanly acts - giving birth to a child - that to him i was flawless .
eric's god had offered him some damn good guidance .
effing good .
with lisa almost broke down . she has a pay check to pauy check life . we knew the going rate for surrogates . we wat to pay her for carrying our baby . but she only wanted reimbursement for living expenses . i offered to use some of my contacts after the baby was born , introduce her to some people in L.A YOU KNOW , IF SHE WANTED TO GET A FOOD IN THE DOOR AT ONE OF THELOCAL STATIONS . SHE WASN'T INTERESTED we finally got her to agree to allow us to pay off her student loan. she'd gone to cal state . in long beach . the loan payoff was much less than we thought we should pay her , but ....what were we going to to do ? we had a deal .
"then came waiting for the medical and psych evals and a lawyer in california talking to our lawyer in connecticut . the surrogacy agency here had to coordinate with the surrogacy there ."
i checked alan's face to make sure he was still with me . he was i thought he seemed rapt .
" after the money the most difficult oart of the negotiation .was about travel ,
alan didn't need to know any of it , but still , i wanted to tell him . to make him jealous ? . no . but to lwet him see that i'd grown enough as a woman so that a good man could love me . i needed alan to knjow that about me . i needed him to see that the scarlet letters M-e no longer had a place around my neck .
i felt worthy that night with eric . eric had wanted me know that despite the fact that i knew i was incapable of the most natural of womanly acts - giving birth to a child - that to him i was flawless .
eric's god had offered him some damn good guidance .
effing good .
with lisa almost broke down . she has a pay check to pauy check life . we knew the going rate for surrogates . we wat to pay her for carrying our baby . but she only wanted reimbursement for living expenses . i offered to use some of my contacts after the baby was born , introduce her to some people in L.A YOU KNOW , IF SHE WANTED TO GET A FOOD IN THE DOOR AT ONE OF THELOCAL STATIONS . SHE WASN'T INTERESTED we finally got her to agree to allow us to pay off her student loan. she'd gone to cal state . in long beach . the loan payoff was much less than we thought we should pay her , but ....what were we going to to do ? we had a deal .
"then came waiting for the medical and psych evals and a lawyer in california talking to our lawyer in connecticut . the surrogacy agency here had to coordinate with the surrogacy there ."
i checked alan's face to make sure he was still with me . he was i thought he seemed rapt .
" after the money the most difficult oart of the negotiation .was about travel ,
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